i'm so sorry...

i juz feel like getting away from everything. i am so tired. both mentally and physically. i cant seem to smile now. really cant. not even a forced smile. one moment i can be ok, yet another moment, something will juz strike me and make me fall down once again, to the even deeper end. i simply cant breathe. i dun feel like breathing. i juz want to get away but i cant. cant let go. i simply cant. i really really wish that things will get better. will it be? i think i will end up the same again, all the disappointments. all this hell lotta things are making me crazy. im so afraid that i will juz go back into the quiet and reserved gal that i used to be, because i dunoe wat to say, dunoe to who to say. i dunoe wat to tell u gals, im so sorry, but i cant help it. it's really not that i dun wanna say, but.....
my heart is aching. y is it so? y do i feel that way? the shadow inside mine, so near yet so far. so familiar yet so distant. who exactly is that person? what is happening to me????
feels like i am making a mountain out of nothing. not even a molehill. wad a joke. ha. the 'jian qiang' look that i always portray is failing, vy badly. am i trying to find things to do, to keep myself occupied all the time?? maybe subconsciously, i am.
my heart is numb. y is it so? y so i feel this way? this shadow inside me is slowly fading away. but i want to grab it back, but how can i grab a shadow? i want to know who that shadow belongs to. but i know it will be a hard answer. im so tired. juz so tired. it's a great big contradiction! had i had enough? or is there more to come?
now, i juz wish for a dreamless sleep. so, shadow, pls go away.

so overwhelmed

suddenly it seems that there are so many things happening to my life now. studies. friendships. tuition. money. mind. health. sj. my heart doesnt seem to be beating at the correct pace. my mind doesnt seem to be thinking the right and correct way. everything seems to be a blur to me. a week can juz pass lidat w/o me knowing, with me rushing from place to place, doing things one after another, losing my sleep. i cant find anything interesting or things that make me excited anymore. im stuck in this mundane life. stuck in this stupid idiot situation where i cant take a step forward neither can i take one backward. im so tired suddenly. i can't seem to phrase my thoughts into a proper post. i'm feeling more than confused now. things i thought to be, were false. things i thought i wanted, i no longer pine for. things i thought were finally over, came right back and smacked me in my stoned, emotionless, face. and i'm still stoned. i guess it's time for it again. it's time for me to break free from all my shackles, leave everything behind and escape. disappear. freeze. i can. i will. i shall. i wanna get away from it all. leave. get out. questions, many of them are flying through my mind, as if they are waiting for some answers arrows to shoot them down. dun ask me why. cos i simply dunoe. i juz hate this kind of feeling. not knowing what you are doing. not knowing what u are supposed to do, except to keep studying, doing assignments, going for tuitions. it sux.

if only things were clear. if only feelings can be expressed as freely. if only i know. if only u know. if only everything is so straight-forwarded... den there will be no regrets. den there will be no confusion. den there will be no questionings. den there will be no heartaches......

time flies

week 9 already??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are u sure xinz?????????? oh no.......... so how many more weeks we are left with?? 4 weeks right? im dead meat...... so much to catch up...... going to be hermit already..... sigh.... dont worry xin, you are not the only one who is feeling lost and dunnoe what is going on........ cuz i also have no idea also.... hahaha.......... wont be updating for a while till im less busy....... [as in my own blog].... april fools day coming....... what a day...... reuben & sing nee together for one year..... cant believe it was one year ago...... time really flies...... its ok.... i dont feel anything now........ besides, i have more than enough to deal with on my hands....... hehehee

hohoho

haha... finally our dear ms ang had updated us on her bintan trip~ lol... hee, so nice to see u 2 so happily blissful in love~ hiaks hiaks... all so tmm... Lol... dun worry gals, juz leave some time for me can liao... i very easily satisfied one...

zone meeting on sat 2pm. u gals going? clashed with my corp camp. so not sure if going down anot. sigh.. anyway, been vy tired recently.. with that surge of midterm tests gone, it's the surge of assignments and projects now. blah~ bioinfo project really dunoe what to do, how to do. already week 9 of sch n i have very little (almost zero idea) of what's going on.it sux lar... haha... enough of my nagging... blah~

fishy story

hey hey.... xinz also not bad la... when she walk, all heads and eyes are on her... even those who are attached.... ooooooo......... hehehe... anyway, i really enjoyed myself at fish and co... hmmm... i guess that is what they call quality time~~ u know about the door thingy that xin posted? i think it is very true... everytime we faced sth that make us upset or we stubble upon, there is this fear building up... fear of rejection and humiliation once more... i use a brick of wall as analogy... this wall that gets higher and higher with every single one that we pile up everytime we are down... and it is just waiting for someone... someone right to come along in our way to pull it down... pull it apart... yet cuz the wall is cemented so tightly, it isnt easy... that is where trust comes into place.... is it easy for any of us to trust someone completely? definitely not... u guys shld know that im not talking about friends kind of trust.... hmmm..... life is wonderful... so many stories that unfold every single day... each one is able to make us or break us... no matter what happens, i know that this is a wonderful story that happened in my life... and i look forward to its future chapters...

sth i came across...

hi gals... really had fun with ya all yst... haha... listening to all my stories... oh gosh, i felt so thirsty after all those talkings... lol...

anyway, here's sth i came across fr a blog...

when something unpleasant or sad happens, there's a door i open.
i step through the doorway,
and shut the door behind me.
i then face another, yet unopened door.
these doors are what you would call emotional defences.
every doorway i pass through, every door i shut,
the more pain is forgotten, ignored, hidden.
i feel less vulnerable, more sure that only i'm in control of my life,
not some string pulled puppet.
but i'm scared.
there are too many doors i've gone through and shut.
too many times my two ever reliable friends, silence and loneliness,
sat by me,
coaxing me to open one more.
they seem thrilled at my helplessness and hopelessness.
silent scream.
the recluse is eating me up.
the darkness is drowning me.
when will she come to unlock my doors?

hee... nice one rite? seems to talk about the numerous situations that we went through. though so, we always have each other for each other. i'm so glad by this... thanks gals, u 2 are the most amazing pple i've ever known. *hugz*

dun worry ni... u still look good... as compared to me... with those dark eye rings and the sleepy eyes... Lol... ying getting prettier n prettier liao hor... both gals with the taste of love definitely look different. nah, dun worry gals, im fine with being single. in fact, i think i'm so used to it that i like the freedom... Lol... cya gals~

hmmm.....

no one is blogging recently... ms ang... u have return from bintan... so u better blog about ur bintan trip... if not we will kill u... hehehee

miss ya...

ms ang!!! gosh.... i miss you!!! lol.... bet u are having fun now over at bintan. u noe, today i wore the blue flip flop i bought there... then my fren stepped on the strap there.... then one of the rows of sequins came off.... sad!! sigh sigh..........

miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you miss you........................

bz here mugging away, rushing for assignments........blah~